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After a series of clandestine meetings, and long hours into the evening noshing dozens of pizzas, gyros, textured vegetable protein, bobo balls with lurid neon red sauce, burritos and grilled cheeses, the group of restaurants known as the “Duke Food Block” (DFB) has proclaimed itself an independent and sovereign state and has announced that it will seek talks immediately with elected officials and council to secede from the City of Kitchener.
It will be the first city block to leave a municipal and political corporation since the Food Network spiralled into an abyss of inane “Gong Show-like” food programming.
The DFB, though it started off slowly in what was a bedraggled down-at-heel block serving only serfs, is now a juggernaut chugging along quite powerfully. Some, like City of Kitchener burghers, might say too powerfully.
“It was those new flower boxes that they gave us,” says a DFB secretary who would give his name only as Pavel. “That’s when we looked around and said, ‘Hey, we’re mature now and we want to be independent and done with the civic autocracy. It’s a time for change — and tacos unfettered by the old regime.
“Originally, we wanted this to be an October Revolution, but decided it would work better in the nicer weather. Shit! Have you ever seen anyone in downtown Kitchener in October, especially after that vulgar Teutonic event?”
The succession is an unprecedented political upheaval unlike any since the time some wag chucked a bust of the Kaiser Willy into Lake Victoria as the guns of August roared in 1914 because the German leader’s visage looked too much like a nasty baker he once worked for.
A provisional government will be set up in what is now known as “Bread Square” and members of the DFB will assume roles in the government according to their hierarchy in the food groups.
“Tomatoes will definitely be near the top,” said one member of the inner circle identified only as Lev. “Then will come the assorted pastries and condiments. Eventually, we will settle the internal differences that exist between the Guacamolists and the Falafelists and forge a truly democratic centralism in the DFB where we can govern ourselves in the spirit of food for the people without the dictates of the fascist QSRs.”
He then raised his fist, thrusting a pizza peel to the blue sky, and shouted, “Patios for all! And a bloody sundae every Bloody Sunday!”
Foodie propaganda in the form of tortillas with messages in chipotle cream written on them announced that the DFB was also annexing the John Norton federal government building across the street. Little known is the fact that Norton, a part-time cook at the former Peter Martin’s The 41, invented the trendy “cronut.”
“As a sovereign state run by the restaurant-class we do need to be able to set up and offer our own citizenship,” announced Vladimir. “And that building has a really crappy cafeteria in it that we will tear to shreds — just like in Doctor Zhivago, thought that movie was really much too long.”
Henceforth, among its proclamations is the decree that “Imperialist” Strawberries Romanoff would never again be served in the block.
The DFB, according to another Party spokesperson, has already commandeered four large food trucks to control access at Queen and Frederick streets where Duke street intersects, the east and west checkpoints of the new state.
These trucks will be known as the “Bread Guards,” serving a delicious range of baked goods and stamping visitors’ visas and entry papers, as well as providing extra napkins.
“Let’s just say that it will be your passport to a proletarian Flavour Town,” Dimitri said with a Guy Fieri accent. “No one is going to want to leave. The problem will be west bloc’ers trying to get in! We have to control that carefully, lest we lose our food-revolution ideals to a bunch of Stalinists — or worse, chain restaurants.”
The civic development, having occurred during his tenure and just around the dinner hour, gave Kitchener Mayor Karlo Sayre pause for thought, as he contemplated it.
“While I am concerned with the fragmentation of the city’s core, what is more troublesome is that suddenly there’s controlled access to that crispy duck that I just love from Exclamation! I don’t know much about Das Kapital, but I sure hope there aren’t long lines to eventually find it’s sold out. Me and Barry Vee just scarf that stuff after every council meeting,” he said.
Professors in the political science department at the University of Waterloo were quick to point out that these kind of food revolutions quickly fade and fracture into unrest and civil war with the leftist Guacamolists quickly losing patience with the more bourgeois — and halal — Falafelists.
“I think we can expect a short period of cooperation and in fact delicious fusion between the various factions which could result in interesting pepperoni shawarma, perhaps a spicy General Tso burrito, and maybe the odd grilled cheese with anchovies. After that, though, it could deteriorate very rapidly into the terror and purges (very literally) of Josip “Crabby Joe” Stalinism. That’s not good for anybody,” said Professor Geoff Haines.
For the DFB, evolution has indeed turned into revolution. Menus will be online at www.dfb.com as soon as the DFB gets the new-fangled and modern facsimile machine and “dial-up.”